My sweet baby Jaden,
I can’t even begin this letter without tearing up. Looking at you now as you’re sleeping peacefully in bed right next to me, I can’t imagine my life without you. It’s crazy to think that about a year and a half ago I cried hysterically when I found out I was pregnant. I wish I could say they were tears of joy, but instead they were tears of absolute and utter fear. Fear of what my family would say, of what people would think of me, of what my future would be like… or fear that as a single mom I wouldn’t be enough for you. What’s ironic is that two weeks before I found out I was pregnant I told Grandma that I’m never going to have children. I thought spending my whole life being reckless, and traveling sounded much more appealing. Now when I think back on that time of my life, it almost makes me laugh because the “happiness” that life would give me doesn’t compare to the life I have with you. Thank God that He chose to intervene and change my life from the inside, out. He gave me you… and you are truly the greatest, most beautiful blessing I could ever receive and I am forever grateful that He chose me to be your mom.
Jaden, you have saved my life. Simple as that… but I should be honest with you so you can understand the amazing change you have made in me. As hard as it is to admit, the summer before I found out I was pregnant I was a complete mess. I spent almost every night partying and staying the night at my boyfriend’s house who I knew I had no real future with. I had pretty much stopped talking to all my regular friends, I had little consideration for the sadness and disappointment that I made my parents feel due to my lifestyle, and worst of all my faith in God had almost completely diminished. I would only pray when I felt like I needed something but other than that He was pretty much non-existent in my life. I had hit rock bottom…
On September 21 of 2011 my whole life changed because that’s the day I found out I would be having you. I didn’t deserve a perfect, precious gift like you but God graciously gave you to me anyways, knowing that you would be the best thing that would ever happen to me. You have softened my heart and made me feel true happiness for the first time in my life… honestly. Before you, I felt lonely, broken, and confused. Now I live life knowing that I have a purpose and I try to think of others more than myself. My faith has been restored and I thank God every single day for you. You have not only changed my life, but you’ve changed many other lives as well. It’s amazing to see God’s plan unfold and how He uses you in so many lives, and you don’t even know it yet. You bring joy to everyone who knows you and you make people live their lives differently. Even though we live in an imperfect and very broken world, you ease my mind and bring peace to my heart. I want to be a better person because of you. I love you immensely, and that will never change. You are so special and being your mom is the closest thing to heaven on earth that I can imagine. I hope one day you can forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made, but please know that you were NOT one of those mistakes. You deserve to have a beautiful life and I’m going to do my best to give you that. I love you, sweet boy. Even though you may not understand this yet, someday you will…. Thank you, my little love.