Confessions of a Jealous and Guilty Mama

It’s the beginning of my last few days off.

It’s the time in my graduate program where I have to quite my job, and pay to work.

And…I’m starting to get pretty nervous and scared about the whole ordeal. The past two years, I’ve had a really nice set up.

Working part-time

Being a student

And having lots of time to be a mom

And even enough time to start up a crafting gig for fun

But now, it’s time for a new chapter. And of course with all new things that are very exciting, I also get attacked with nerves, guilt, jealousy, etc.

The devil always creeps his way into our lives, especially in midst of growing pains.

So…the only thing I’ve learned to do with that is just bring it to the light. Expose the vulnerabilities and the fears so they can’t eat away at my happiness.

So…here it goes.

I’m scared.

I feel the common “mom guilt” for leaving my kid as I go off to work 40 hours. I feel the guilt of missing the precious time with her that I’ve been so blessed to have. I feel guilt that I’m not longer going to be making an income…so not only am I not financially providing for my daughter in any way, but I’m not going to be around as much either.

So that’s the guilt.

Then there’s the jealousy.

The jealousy of my mom friends that get to stay at home, or the ones that have houses, or the ones that have husbands, or the ones that have two and three kids…

It’s silly.

But, luckily I’ve been attempting to keep up with some reading that goes along with this year’s theme I chose of “365 Days of Presence”.

In fact, all the books I’ve been reading, (Hands-Free Mama, 10 Habits of Happy Mothers, Small Steps for Catholic Moms, and The Power of being Thankful) have shed some light on these recent struggles.

Obviously 1)Presence in the moment…being there, taking advantage of time you do have, and 2)Gratitude.

So, I’ve been getting (slowly) better at the whole “presence” concept…but my gratitude is not up to speed.

But, what I’m realizing is when I simply take the time at night to kneel down with my daughter and say our goodnight prayers…and really take the time to talk with her and be present as we thank God for our day and talk about all the happy moments and blessings of the day…my guilt, my jealousy, my fears, and my nerves instantly disappear.

Yes…I’m starting a new chapter of my journey, and yes I’m scared.

But I’m also so thankful for what I have, because when I take that extra time of gratitude, I can see that all the desires of my heart are filled in this present moment.

Thanks for listening.

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