It was Sunday…
It was one of those days-dreary, I had been lazy all day, no motivation to be productive, no motivation to get dressed or even shower. My daughter was sick… And I quite honestly forgot I had to go to mass.
I actually thought about skipping… But then muscled up the energy to go to the last possible time.
It was one of the few times I went to mass alone… And I rushed in, seconds away from being late and sat in my favorite spot.
Last row, in the very back, sitting next to the aisle so that people try to sit somewhere else before trying to scoot by me, which usually means I get to sit by myself.
I oddly love it.
Some of my most profound moments have been when I sit in the back.
I couldn’t tell you why.
It may be because I’m more aware of real life when I sit the back… I see kids rustling around, babies crying, I see the tuned out folks, the devout rosary praying folks, the late people… I can see it all.
Or it may be because I notice that I sit farther back the farther I feel from community… And so the more I long for it.
Either way… I was sitting in the back, praying that no one would talk to me.
And then my conscience, or maybe it was God, asked me “Why… Why don’t you want anyone to talk to?”
And I thought to myself….
Because I’m tired.
I’m really tired.
And for whatever reason… as I was having this dialogue in my head…the moment I said “I’m really tired,” a flood of tears started streaming down my cheeks.
Which was embarrassing… and totally random… and I was suddenly extremely thankful that I was sitting alone.
What the hell?
Why am I randomly crying right now for no reason?
So mass went on and the homily was about how Lent is approaching… And how to make it meaningful.
For anyone who doesn’t know, Lent is a Catholic season where everyone sort of makes “new years resolutions” only they’re supposed to be spiritual and help you grow closer to God. (But most people end up giving up pop and candy. Ha.)
So anyways I’m thinking to myself, What should I do this year for Lent?
Naturally… I’m doing this whole 365 days of Presence, so I think giving up social media is a reasonable thing that makes sense.
Then my conscience (again, probably God) whispers in my ear… You should give up blogging.
What? No… Why would I do that?
Well… What’s your motivation for blogging right now?
To show people I’m being present… Duh
Well why do you have to show that to people?
Well because otherwise they won’t know…
Why is it bad if they don’t know?
Because then there’s no proof…
No proof of what?
Proof that I’m enough.
That was it.
There it was.
The reason I’ve been so tired.
It finally hit me.
I work very very hard to prove to people that I am enough.
And that is exhausting.
I used to blog for legitimate reasons… and now I’m seeing that it was warped into a means to show the world how put together I am…
Look at me, I craft, I blog, I’m a single mom, I go to graduate school, I work, I do it all.
Yes. I do it all. And now I’m exhausted and empty.
I do it all so that you will think I am enough… because somewhere inside I probably don’t think I am.
And I know that’s not true… On an intellectual level I know that isn’t true and that is a lie from hell…
But I’m also tired.
I’m too tired to ignore the lies.
I spend my days giving all my energy to a 2 year old… and the rest of my energy to a very demanding program and internship that requires me to “care” about hundreds of people and to advocate for those who are suffering, and then the rest of my energy goes to work and trivial assignments, and then the rest of my energy goes to doing a lot of cutesy, crafty things and taking pictures of it and taking pictures of my kid to blog about it and prove to you that my head is above water.
The truth is…
I care a lot and I give a lot and it is very disproportionate to how much care and concern I receive (well…disproportionate to how much love and care I choose to accept.)
So then I wonder… am I loved, am I enough?
No. I’m not…I need to prove that I am enough.
I also realize that this is true for most people in this world.
We are starved for love.
We are starved to be enough as we are.
But then I think of my daughter…
She doesn’t wonder these things in life yet.
And that’s because she’s 2 and she’s innocent and she comes to me whenever she needs me… Good or bad.
She rests in my love constantly.
Mommy come play.
Mommy come color.
Mommy I’m hungry.
Mommy hold me.
Mommy come rock me.
Mommy let’s dance.
(Plus all the fits and crying in between… And trust me, she definitely comes to me for those!)
But no matter what, I love her.
She never had to earn my love or prove anything to me… and right now she knows that and I hope she always knows that.
I, on the other hand, do not practice the wise ways of my 2 year old.
I do not rest in love.
Which is ridiculous because I have parents, and friends, and a God who are more than willing to love me.
But I need to seek it and rest in it…. Just like my daughter seeks me constantly.
It’s actually quite ironic how “rest” and “presence” are so related.
Because the only way you can rest or find peace is if you are fully present in those moments. No one can ever find rest when they are distracted by texts and social media or their mind is on overload from this fast paced world.
So for Lent I’m going to rest.
Rest in love.
Rest in the presence of those that I care about and who care about me.
Rest in adoration and mass.
Rest without trying to earn it.
Just rest…. Rest until I know I’m enough as I am.
And so… all this to say… I will give up blogging for Lent. I love it, but I also don’t want to use it to prove or earn my worth or my “enoughness” in life. (Disclaimer: I will likely still post things that have to do with my Etsy shop…only because that is a legitimate source of income for me…so yeah)
And then when I know I’m enough as I am… My life will be different, because I won’t be tired…I will be rested.
Thanks friends. I’ll be back.