Forgiving Myself

As a perfectionist, I am my worst critic. I am extremely harsh on myself and straight up terrible to myself at times. The quote “love your neighbors as you do yourself” makes me laugh sometimes because I would honestly never even think of treating others the way I treat myself.

Lately I’ve been learning a lot about self compassion and self forgiveness. Two things I never really thought about before, and to be honest, I never thought it was that big of a deal before either.

But then I realized how bad I was on myself. Specifically how critical I am of my ability to be a good mom.
Ever since I had my daughter I struggled with a lot of guilt.

Guilt that I couldn’t give her a dad.

Guilt that I wasn’t financially stable.

Guilt to ask for a sitter so I could get out once in a while.

Guilt that I wasn’t cut out to be a good mom.

Just a lot of guilt.

All the guilt really made me unable to enjoy everything that motherhood has to offer…. And it constantly made me feel like I could never be a good enough mom.
As you can imagine… That left me unhappy, anxious, and really insecure.
I finally tried to figure out where all this guilt was coming from.

And I figured it out.

I was guilty about my story.

For those of you that don’t know… My story in a nutshell is this: I had an unplanned pregnancy (I hate that word ‘unplanned’ by the way… Nowadays I call it a surprise), Anyways, I had an “unplanned” pregnancy, I got really scared and scheduled an abortion, God literally saved me, I ended up choosing life, and now I have the most precious little girl.

So where’s the guilt??

Well… Now that the story has played out and I have the most wonderful little girl, I began to feel soooo guilty that I ever considered an abortion that I convinced myself that I was just a terrible mother. Because now, looking into the eyes of my beautiful daughter… How could I have ever considered that? A good mother would never have even thought of abortion. I didn’t deserve to be a mom if I considered abortion.

That’s what I thought.

But that’s what I think when I fail to give myself some compassion and forgiveness.
I tell this to young girls who have unplanned pregnancies all the time-

“You were scared”

“You were alone”

“You can’t be mad at yourself for being scared”

I say these things to girls all the time, but never to myself.

And that’s why I felt guilty. I did not award myself any compassion or forgiveness for the crisis I was in. I had no compassion for the things I considered while being scared out of my mind.

And that’s unhealthy.

And it’s caused me to feel inadequate and unworthy to be a mom.

And that is just not true.

So, I’m finally going to show myself a little compassion and finally forgive myself for considering aborting my daughter.

Because I was scared. I did not consider abortion because I am a bad mom or because I didn’t love my daughter. I considered it because I was scared and that was it. End of story.

And I can forgive myself for that.

Letting go of that guilt is going to change my life.

It is going to allow me to be confident in the fact that I do love my daughter and I am worthy enough to be her mom. I am finally giving myself the ok to let go of all the guilt and worry and insecurities that came with it. I will finally start treating myself the way I treat my neighbors… With a little more compassion and understanding. Forgiveness is powerful…. And self-forgiveness might just be the most powerful thing I’ve done yet.

I hope you all can award yourself the compassion and forgiveness you deserve in your life. We all need to be a little nicer on ourselves.

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4 thoughts on “Forgiving Myself

  1. This was truly a very honest and real post and something everyone I think can relate to despite differences in the circumstances. What a great way to head into a new year rid of the guilt that has burdened you for to long! You and you’re daughter are so beautiful together and I hope ya’ll had a very Merry , Merry Christmas!🌼🌞💐

  2. I’m a perfectionist too – I understand. I also have been afraid, and am afraid, of the future so often. I have never been pregnant, so I can’t relate that way, but I understand how paralyzing fear is. It makes you do & think things that you wouldn’t ordinarily. I love the name you chose for your daughter, & I’m glad you chose life for her!

  3. It’s almost freaky how a lot of times when I read what you write it falls in line almost exactly with what I’m going through in my own life. One of my resolutions for this year is to make it the year of forgiveness. I also feel guilty at times that I’m not a good enough mother or that I wasn’t “ready enough” except for me someone.who was hell bent on not having an abortion even when that’s what EVERYONE was telling even begging me to do sometimes I feel guilty for not having one. Because I wasn’t ready enough or I brought her into a messed up situation. I guess my point is whatever your choices the devil.will try to get in your head and tell you that you did something wrong. How did you get involved with speaking for the pro-life movement? I think that’s something I might be really interested in

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