As a perfectionist, I am my worst critic. I am extremely harsh on myself and straight up terrible to myself at times. The quote “love your neighbors as you do yourself” makes me laugh sometimes because I would honestly never even think of treating others the way I treat myself.
Lately I’ve been learning a lot about self compassion and self forgiveness. Two things I never really thought about before, and to be honest, I never thought it was that big of a deal before either.
But then I realized how bad I was on myself. Specifically how critical I am of my ability to be a good mom.
Ever since I had my daughter I struggled with a lot of guilt.
Guilt that I couldn’t give her a dad.
Guilt that I wasn’t financially stable.
Guilt to ask for a sitter so I could get out once in a while.
Guilt that I wasn’t cut out to be a good mom.
Just a lot of guilt.
All the guilt really made me unable to enjoy everything that motherhood has to offer…. And it constantly made me feel like I could never be a good enough mom.
As you can imagine… That left me unhappy, anxious, and really insecure.
I finally tried to figure out where all this guilt was coming from.
And I figured it out.
I was guilty about my story.
For those of you that don’t know… My story in a nutshell is this: I had an unplanned pregnancy (I hate that word ‘unplanned’ by the way… Nowadays I call it a surprise), Anyways, I had an “unplanned” pregnancy, I got really scared and scheduled an abortion, God literally saved me, I ended up choosing life, and now I have the most precious little girl.
So where’s the guilt??
Well… Now that the story has played out and I have the most wonderful little girl, I began to feel soooo guilty that I ever considered an abortion that I convinced myself that I was just a terrible mother. Because now, looking into the eyes of my beautiful daughter… How could I have ever considered that? A good mother would never have even thought of abortion. I didn’t deserve to be a mom if I considered abortion.
That’s what I thought.
But that’s what I think when I fail to give myself some compassion and forgiveness.
I tell this to young girls who have unplanned pregnancies all the time-
“You were scared”
“You were alone”
“You can’t be mad at yourself for being scared”
I say these things to girls all the time, but never to myself.
And that’s why I felt guilty. I did not award myself any compassion or forgiveness for the crisis I was in. I had no compassion for the things I considered while being scared out of my mind.
And that’s unhealthy.
And it’s caused me to feel inadequate and unworthy to be a mom.
And that is just not true.
So, I’m finally going to show myself a little compassion and finally forgive myself for considering aborting my daughter.
Because I was scared. I did not consider abortion because I am a bad mom or because I didn’t love my daughter. I considered it because I was scared and that was it. End of story.
And I can forgive myself for that.
Letting go of that guilt is going to change my life.
It is going to allow me to be confident in the fact that I do love my daughter and I am worthy enough to be her mom. I am finally giving myself the ok to let go of all the guilt and worry and insecurities that came with it. I will finally start treating myself the way I treat my neighbors… With a little more compassion and understanding. Forgiveness is powerful…. And self-forgiveness might just be the most powerful thing I’ve done yet.
I hope you all can award yourself the compassion and forgiveness you deserve in your life. We all need to be a little nicer on ourselves.