Burnt Out

It’s time to tell you all a secret…

I’m spiritually burnt out.

Spent.
Running on empty.
Exhausted.
Overwhelmed.
Over it.
Tired.
Indifferent.

The sucky part is that I know what it used to be…and I know that was real. I still know what I’m supposed to do, what I’m supposed to say, and how I’m supposed to act…but when the joy and passion dwindle…there’s only so much I can handle before I crash. I’ve crashed.

I go to mass but I have no desire.
Prayer doesn’t seem worth it.
All discipline has vanished.
Motivation for anything hardly exists.
I’ll only wake up early if I bribe myself with my favorite coffee.

This is what it has come to and that’s why I’m here.
In the middle of no where looking at the stars.
Today I did everything I was “supposed to do” to fill my spiritual cup.

I went on a getaway.
I went to mass.
I prayed a rosary.
I prayed a divine mercy chaplet.
I thanked God.
I yelled at God.
I begged God.
Why can’t I love you more?
Why does it suck right now to follow you?
I know this is right but I need some give!
I can’t hear you dammit.

Nothing.
I’m still the same….tired.
And now I’m here. Looking at the stars.
I’m normally afraid of the dark, but I’m not right now.  I should be wearing warmer clothes, but I’m not cold.
I’m just sitting here…waiting on a shooting star.

And then God finally tells me…
It takes a long time to fill an empty bucket.
And of course I’m like…it doesn’t have to take that long…

But God is only filling my bucket one drop at a time.
Which really sucks…

But he’s doing because he knows what I need.
I need patience.
I need to slow down.
I need a real fix, not a quick fix.
I need discipline.
I need stillness.
I need quiet.
I need to just be.
And that takes time.

So here I am…still burnt out, and slightly irritated that I couldn’t get my spiritual life back on par with a one day getaway…ha.
I’m still looking at the sky, waiting on a shooting star.

(God knows I’m not that patient…so he went ahead and gave me 5 shooting stars tonight.)

But I’m starting to get the picture.

So I will wait.

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4 thoughts on “Burnt Out

  1. Your honesty is so refreshing! Many of us are there but keep up the show for fear of admitting that we have let things slip in our prayer life! Keep at it 🙂

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