Burnt Out

It’s time to tell you all a secret…

I’m spiritually burnt out.

Spent.
Running on empty.
Exhausted.
Overwhelmed.
Over it.
Tired.
Indifferent.

The sucky part is that I know what it used to be…and I know that was real. I still know what I’m supposed to do, what I’m supposed to say, and how I’m supposed to act…but when the joy and passion dwindle…there’s only so much I can handle before I crash. I’ve crashed.

I go to mass but I have no desire.
Prayer doesn’t seem worth it.
All discipline has vanished.
Motivation for anything hardly exists.
I’ll only wake up early if I bribe myself with my favorite coffee.

This is what it has come to and that’s why I’m here.
In the middle of no where looking at the stars.
Today I did everything I was “supposed to do” to fill my spiritual cup.

I went on a getaway.
I went to mass.
I prayed a rosary.
I prayed a divine mercy chaplet.
I thanked God.
I yelled at God.
I begged God.
Why can’t I love you more?
Why does it suck right now to follow you?
I know this is right but I need some give!
I can’t hear you dammit.

Nothing.
I’m still the same….tired.
And now I’m here. Looking at the stars.
I’m normally afraid of the dark, but I’m not right now.  I should be wearing warmer clothes, but I’m not cold.
I’m just sitting here…waiting on a shooting star.

And then God finally tells me…
It takes a long time to fill an empty bucket.
And of course I’m like…it doesn’t have to take that long…

But God is only filling my bucket one drop at a time.
Which really sucks…

But he’s doing because he knows what I need.
I need patience.
I need to slow down.
I need a real fix, not a quick fix.
I need discipline.
I need stillness.
I need quiet.
I need to just be.
And that takes time.

So here I am…still burnt out, and slightly irritated that I couldn’t get my spiritual life back on par with a one day getaway…ha.
I’m still looking at the sky, waiting on a shooting star.

(God knows I’m not that patient…so he went ahead and gave me 5 shooting stars tonight.)

But I’m starting to get the picture.

So I will wait.

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