To my daugher’s dad,
I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing. I don’t know if we will ever cross paths or talk again. So, just in case by some odd chance you read this…there are a few things you should know.
You really hurt me. But hey, we were young, dumb, and drunk..right? I know what happened wasn’t classy, and definitely not planned…but when you acted like you didn’t know me, and that you didn’t care, and when you ignored me, and when you were embarrassed by me, and when you acted like you didn’t care about our daughter…it really hurt.
It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. I don’t really talk about you. Most of my friends don’t know who you are. I try my hardest not to think about you.
But the truth is…I think about you a lot. The more I think about you, the more I’ve come to terms with what happened. The more I realize how I am no better than you. Heck, I might have done the same thing as you if the roles were reversed. I know how fear works and how the devil gets in and tears us down when we’re afraid. And I know you were afraid.
I know why you did what you did. You didn’t have the same upbringing I had, you didn’t have the faith background that I had, you didn’t have the supportive friends and family that I had, and you didn’t know it was all going to be ok. You didn’t know that you could do it.
If I had all that stacked against me I would have done the same.
That doesn’t make it ok…but I know why you disappeared from our lives.
And I forgive you.
That is what you need to know. It has taken me a long time, but I forgive you.
You should know that I would never have been able to forgive you if I didn’t know I was forgiven first…if I didn’t find authentic love. I found that. And I have been graced with mercy and love and beauty and joy because of it.
God’s forgiveness is a powerful thing.
I hope our daughter can forgive too. That’s what hurts the most. Because she is perfect, and beautiful, and innocent. And one day she is going to be hurt. And I don’t want that.
That is why I’m angry with you. But then I remember that I’m broken, you’re broken, we’re all broken.
It’s more important for me to let go of the brokenness and forgive you. I can’t hold your brokenness against you when I am just as broken. So I forgive you. I’m choosing to do that. And I wanted you to know.
I genuinely hope you find authentic love, forgiveness, and joy. And I’ll be praying for you every day.
So if by some crazy chance you read this, that’s what you need to know.