The Day I Thought I Couldn’t Be a Mom

The other day was the first time since my daughter was born that I really thought I didn’t have what it takes to be a mom.

I’m a single mom, and I live at home, and I’m sooooooooooo incredibly blessed to have help and support from my extremely selfless family.

The other day I got a glimpse of what it would be like if I was really on my own.

My dad was on a business trip, my brother was on a golf trip, and my mom was working extra late.

I was sick.

Really sick. Head throbbing, high fever, terrible cough, congestion, nausea… just felt awful.

Of course, AvaMarie was also not feeling well. She just cut a tooth and was ready to cut another one. Meaning….she was EXTRA fussy.

After a full day of her being irritable, and me being sick, and getting nothing done (even though I had work projects and a 10 page paper to write for grad school that basically needed to be done that day) you can imagine that I was pretty exhausted and stressed and defeated.

Then, AvaMarie started rubbing her eyes early since she missed her nap.

yes, finally

I took my opportunity and changed her and got her all ready for bed.

That’s when it started.

Blood wrenching screams. Scratching. Kicking.

She was having “a moment”.

Only, this “moment” lasted close to 2 hours.

I couldn’t console her. I tried teething tablets, baby tylenol, rocking, singing, lullaby music, I even nursed her again, and then I even tried to play with her thinking she really wasn’t tired.

Nothing worked. The tears and screams were flowing full force.

After about 20 minutes in, I was already starting to lose my mind. With each scream it felt like someone was hitting my head harder and harder. I had to keep setting AvaMarie down to rush to the bathroom when I felt like I was going to be sick.

By the hour mark of her screaming I couldn’t open my eyes anymore because any glimpse of light sent shooting pain through my brain.

And then…..AvaMarie got quiet.

thank you Jesus

As I softly slipped her into the crib and tip-toed out of her room, I felt victory.

Then……waaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My heart sank. I couldn’t even bring myself to go back in the room just yet. Instead I sat on the floor and started to cry also.

I was defeated. The devil got to me.

You can’t be a mom

You don’t have what it takes

This is what it would really be like to be a single mom

You’re just getting by because you are spoiled, you couldn’t do it if you were actually on your own

Pathetic

I was in tears….until I finally dragged myself up and picked up my poor screaming daughter.

Then I texted my mom “Please come home I need you”.

I sat in the rocking chair just rocking my daughter and repeating the Hail Mary over and over and over and over.

It seemed like forever…and then my mom came home.

By this time AvaMarie was calmed down to just sniffles, but my mom took her and sent me to bed.

Just a few minutes later, AvaMarie was asleep and my mom was putting a cold wash cloth on my forehead and bringing me water and tucking me into bed.

What did I do to deserve such a great mom

I realized….that she is doing exactly what Jesus has called her to do. Love unconditionally, and carry other’s burdens when they can’t carry their own.

Galatians 6:2 “Carry each other’s burdens and in this way you may fulfill the law of Christ”

It’s hard to be a single mom.

That night I got a glimpse of what it would be like to truly be alone and without help.
I’m blessed to have people in my life who are humble enough to help me during this time.
There will be a day when I can support myself and live on my own and care for AvaMarie financially…but I will always need help.

We all do.

Everyone needs help.

When the weight is too heavy, we are called to help carry each other’s burdens.

I’m so thankful for my family when they help me through my trials.

And I just pray that other single moms encounter the love and support I have encountered. Because they shouldn’t have to do it alone.

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5 thoughts on “The Day I Thought I Couldn’t Be a Mom

  1. May God continue to bless all of you:-) Thanks for sharing your personal, honest story. Believe me, all us moms have had those moments. God and His love will carry your through.

  2. your post brought tears to my eyes! As a military wife I have regular bouts of “single parenting,” but I always have an end-date to look forward to…I have a huge, huge amount of respect for single parents! Thanks for sharing!

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