March 14, 2012
Hello little baby,
I love you.
I really do and you MUST know that. You’re the size of a grape, at least that’s what I read in these pregnancy books. I hope you know that you are precious and amazing and wonderful. I’m sooo sorry my mistakes may make you wonder if I love you, but I do. I love you so so so much. You are NOT a mistake. In fact, you were perfectly planned in my life by God….I’m serious. You saved my life and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are a beautiful gift, and I’m so blessed and lucky to have you in me (even though this morning sickness is killing me).
I want you to know exactly what happened, so hopefully one day you can forgive me. So, I will be completely honest. You were conceived on my 21st birthday. I was drunk – celebrating my “monumental” birthday. I was insecure. I was irresponsible. I slept with a guy I had classes with, but he wasn’t a boyfriend, just someone I knew. I found out later that month when my period didn’t come, and five pregnancy tests later, I accepted the truth. I was pregnant. I’m not going to lie and tell you it was an exciting thing to find out, being so young, single, and in college. In fact it was one of the scariest things ever. But, know that when there is fear, it is the devil. The devil made me afraid, because that is how he works. He works through fear. That’s exactly what I was – afraid. The devil started feeding my head with lies.
He told me “you are an idiot, a screw-up; no one is going to love you when they find out. How embarrassing, I can’t believe you let this happen. You know what you need to do, you need to get rid of this, that’s the only way…”
I was so afraid I scheduled an abortion. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think right –my whole world was dark and lonely. I was just so afraid and ashamed and embarrassed. I was selfish is what it comes down to.
Everything about the word abortion felt wrong. It made me sick. I was anxious, my stomach was in perpetual knots – but I was so blinded by fear that I was going to do it anyway.
Thanks to God, I was saved. You were saved. God wanted you to be here so badly that he saved us. It was the weekend before Ash Wednesday. At mass he pierced my heart with his perfect love. It was the first time in my life that I saw the Eucharist and I knew. I knew that God forgave me, that he loved me, that I wasn’t alone, that you were meant to live, and that we were meant to have a new life in Him.
If it weren’t for you, I don’t know that I would ever know God the way I do now. You saved my life. You are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. You gave me a chance to make my brokenness something beautiful. I know everyone thinks you were a result of an unplanned pregnancy, but I don’t see it that way. Because you were planned. You were planned by God in his perfect timing and I couldn’t be more blessed. I love you little one, and never forget that.